Dreams of a Life
by Oh You in that Dress
Summary: It's just the way her illness goes. Oneshot. [Azula/Ty Lee]


Every night, Ty Lee was plagued with sweet dreams that might as well have been as cruel as Azula's nightmares.

And when she woke, they became daydreams and fantasies about a world she could not change nor control. And she felt guilt, all consuming guilt for the fact that she spent so much time locked in her fantasy world. _Love_ , she reminded herself of how much she _loved_ Azula, and that this was just the way her illness went.

She went through her days, her stomach churning with the perpetual fear for her future. It felt as if there was an abyss in front of her, and she was permanently stuck at the precipice of it. Of course everyone she encountered asks her why she stayed.

Why she stayed was for moments like these, her hand interlinked with Azula, which she had to wrestle and fight the princess to allow. But Azula could not hide her faint blush after Ty Lee succeed in intertwining their slender fingers.

They were walking through an exquisite garden, which Azula rented for the entire day solely for them. She did not show romance through words or the usual expressions; she showed it through gestures and half-murmured pleas for Ty Lee never to leave as she succumbed to sleeping drugs.

"There are so many flowers," Ty Lee announced after their conversation came to a distinct lull. Ty Lee took one in her hand and inhaled the perfect, aromatic scent of springtime.

"You like flowers," Azula said uncomfortably as she stood and watched. Ty Lee contemplated putting the flower into Azula's hair, but she concealed and tried to forget that thought and simply tucked it into her own braid. "See, I know you well."

Azula looked so smug that Ty Lee had to laugh and kiss her, barely missing her lips so that light pink lipstick stuck to Azula's cheek. The sensation of her lips hitting bone suddenly killed the pleasure of the afternoon.

"Don't ever say I don't take you anywhere nice," Azula purred as she gestured to a beautiful fountain. She seized Ty Lee's hand while Ty Lee was still processing the fact that she had not been watching Azula nearly carefully enough, if her bones were protruding like that. But she ran with Azula to the fountain.

They played in the water like children. Well, like they would have if they were given childhoods. If their innocence was not robbed by war.

Ty Lee stayed for days like these.

* * *

And Ty Lee refused to leave for days like these, despite her recurring desire to just run. Azula gasping, touching her lips to her knees, shaking, and Ty Lee wished Azula would agree to _some_ of the treatment she is offered by professionals. But since Azula would not accept that, Ty Lee had to at least try to make the days like this more bearable.

Ty Lee was sweating, but she had fairly decent control of herself. She went through conversation, trying to keep the princess distracted, even when she only lashed out in response to attempts at conversation.

"You're going to be alright," Ty Lee reassured her over and over but she did not think it did much good at all.

She knew how to manage this, somehow.

Ty Lee's calling was somewhat disappointing, but it was her calling, she knew, as she gently reached to Azula and tried to coax words from her.

This felt so futile. One day Azula was snarky and vibrant and going places, going on _dates_ , and the next, she was broken down, she was eaten alive.

And Ty Lee knew that she was always going to keep trying, even if the cycle never ended.

* * *

When Ty Lee left the palace, she often felt like a convict escaping prison. There was relief, there was _guilt_ , and there was the knowledge that she would be going back in the end. She had to leave sometimes, though. It can be too much, and so she ran in marathons like they mattered, and sparred with people at training centers like she would not win every time.

 _The entire time she deeply feared for Azula._

It should not have been this way, and it should never have been this way. She found it difficult to watch someone she loved suffer so much and not be able to do anything about it. Ty Lee _wanted_ to be more helpful, she _wanted_ to have a magic way to save Azula, but she wasn't _qualified_ for that kind of thing.

She did not know what she was supposed to do other than be supportive. Other than be there, even when it is excruciatingly painful.

Selfishly enough, she spent the rest of the day shopping alone. She _should have been_ with Azula, but she also couldn't _always_ be with Azula.

Azula, who manipulated her, who was so cruel to her, who ultimately deserved to be betrayed by Ty Lee ─

 _No_. Azula deserved to have someone or something humble her, to show her what truly matters, and to call her out on her entitled cruelty. _No_ , no one deserved what happened to her that day, and Ty Lee sometimes thought her guilt about it was guiding many of her decisions.

Azula's symptoms were her life, to a certain extent, and therefore, Ty Lee's life as well. And Ty Lee had learned to cope with them and remedy them just as much as Azula has had to.

Maybe that was why there was noo turning back.

Ty Lee hasd come too far to give up on her.

* * *

Azula wished it were easier to hide things from Ty Lee. The amount of time they had spent together, and the closeness they had developed, made it difficult for Azula to keep her in the dark. And so, as Azula was doing everything in her power to cover up a mental break, her girlfriend immediately started to interrogate her.

 _Of course_.

"What do you want me to say?" Azula snapped, throwing her hands up in utter disbelief. She had a twisted smirk painted blood red on her face, and Ty Lee furrowed her brow. "That things are so well and good all the time. I've realized I'm not getting better by now, and I think, ultimately, you really should stop trying."

"I don't want to save you," Ty Lee insisted, hating this argument and how often it comes up.

" _That_ is a lie. Everyone does. You think you're so wonderful because you've stayed by my side for this long. There are better, healthier accomplishments for you. But now, it seems, you're trapped," Azula purred, walking across the room confidently and sitting on the edge of the bed. Ty Lee tried to keep her stance powerful.

"I won't leave you. Ever," Ty Lee said firmly, emphasizing each word.

"Why? What are you even getting out of this? I can't think of anything in this relationship that isn't based around suffering," Azula remarked, her voice so detached and cold that Ty Lee clenched her jaw in anger. "I never asked you or anyone to subject themselves to me and the _privilege_ of trying to save me. I am content, at this point."

"No, no, you can't be. You can't be because you're so much more than this. You're so much more than that..." Ty Lee insisted, her fingers tensed into the shape of claws at her sides.

"The sentiment is cute, but even I don't know where illness ends and I begin."

And there was nothing more to say, as Ty Lee excused herself and hid where no one could see her crying.

* * *

Zuko confronted Ty Lee one day about an urgent matter. Apparently Ty Lee was Azula's keeper now, which she certainly was not aware of. But when he says that she completely broke down over the first resurgence of hallucinations in years, Ty Lee felt her stomach twist.

She found Azula curled in bed, looking ill. Looking _very_ ill.

"Azula," Ty Lee said, swallowing her nerves about this question. She _knew_ she should not treat Azula like she was fragile, but she had begun to feel a responsibility for the princess that likely is not good. "I want you to get therapy or something. _Real_ help for this."

"It's one slip up. It isn't as if means anything," Azula replied emotionlessly, but Ty Lee did not think she had noticed that the acrobat could see her pained reflection in the mirror from behind.

"You promised _me_ and you promised _Zuko_ that..."

"That if I lost it my soul is yours forever?" Azula said as mockingly as she could manage.

"You said if your hallucinations got worse you would get help. I'm just asking you to do one thing," Ty Lee insisted, sitting down beside Azula and gently stroking her back. "Please. I love you and I'm so tired of seeing you being hurt."

"You're tired of me hurting you."

Azula closed her eyes, and Ty Lee was certain that those words did not have a trace of regret or shame in them. She did not care, in the end, and Ty Lee struggled to fathom that. Azula was content living in her shadows, refusing to step into the light.

Ty Lee watched her sleep and wondered if now is the time to give up.

But she closed her eyes and lay down on the bed, resting her head on Azula's lap.

Maybe, Ty Lee genuinely hated to admit, she didn't stay because of Azula.

Maybe, Ty Lee genuinely hated to admit, she stayed because she wants to repair the princess.

Maybe, Ty Lee genuinely hated to admit, she stayed because she is so in love with someone who is so toxic, venomous and difficult.

Maybe, Ty Lee genuinely hated to admit, she stayed because nobody else is ever going to.


End file.
